Double Entendre Double Date
by Theoretical-Optimist
Summary: Draco and Theo escort the Greengrass sisters on a double date, but things are not how they seem. Written for Round Three of The Houses Competition (year two).


House: Gryffindor

Position: HoH

Category: Themed

Prompt: Draco/Theo, Going on a date

Word Count (excluding header and author's note): 2067

Beta: Tigger, Shibalyfe

AN- Astoria and Daphne are a composite of a bunch of ditzy behaviors. The salad thing is a pet-peeve of mine. If someone wants to order something radically off-menu, just ask for what you want rather than stripping all the ingredients out of an existing dish. It drives me nuts when someone orders a banana split without the bananas, sauces, whipped cream, or toppings. Essentially they just want ice cream in an elongated bowl. Rant over, now onto the story. :)

* * *

"I can't believe we're doing this again," griped Theo.

Draco sighed and adjusted his tie. "We only have to keep up the charade for a few more months, Theo. Just until my next birthday. Then I'll be twenty-five and come into my full inheritance."

"I know, I know. But why would you ever ask those two vapid, airheads out?"

"Because," Draco stuck up his index finger, "One: the Greengrass family is a member of the sacred twenty-eight." He added another finger. "Two: My father is pushing me to settle down and breed with a witch of appropriate pedigree. And three," he raised his ring finger, "Daphne and Astoria are just thick enough to not realize what's going on. They won't go blabbing anything to my father or any of his mates before I reach my majority. I think Pansy and Millicent were catching on."

Theo snickered. "Good point. How dimwitted Daphne and addled Astoria managed to scrape together a handful of N.E.W.T.s is beyond me."

Draco gave him a pointed look. "You know as well as I do how they managed to do it—Blaise."

Draco and Theo's former dorm-mate was a well known lothario who had no qualms writing essays for pretty birds in return for favors of a personal nature. Draco earned a fair bit of coin brewing sexual-disease combating potions for their promiscuous friend.

"So what's the plan for tonight?" asked Theo.

"Same as always. We take the girls out to the most popular restaurant in Diagon Alley. I've procured a photographer to snap some pictures and arranged for them to run in tomorrow's _Daily Prophet_. The gossip column fodder should be enough to keep my father at bay for another month or so." Draco wrapped his cloak around his shoulders and addressed his roommate, "Are you ready?"

With a nod, Theo disapparated to the front steps of Greengrass Manor. A second later, Draco appeared in his wake.

Before the two wizards could knock, the front door was flung open.

"Hello boys!" Astoria Greengrass greeted. She batted her spider-like eyelashes in a manner that Theo guessed was supposed to be flirtatious. He thought she looked like she was having a fit instead. "Don't you both look dashing."

Daphne joined her sister. The girls were wearing matching dresses that would have been more appropriate at the Muggle strip club Blaise had dragged Theo and Draco to the month before. Astoria's dress was a shockingly bright orange. Daphne's was an awkward shade reminiscent of Bertie Bott's vomit-flavored beans.

"Now just to be clear, who is on a date with whom? I don't want to spend the night flirting with one of you and break the heart of the other."

Theo sent Draco a look out of the corner of his eye. They hadn't discussed that part of their scheme.

Luckily, Draco came to the rescue. "I guess I'll take Astoria. Orange is my favorite color after all."

Theo choked back a laugh. Draco hated orange; he said it reminded him too much of The Weasel King.

Theo held his arm out for Daphne to take. "We must hurry. Draco and I made reservations for our date at the most exclusive restaurant in Diagon Alley." Daphne, predictably, squealed at the revelation. It was going to be a _long_ night.

* * *

"Malfoy," Draco addressed the maitre d, "Party of four. We have a reservation."

The maitre d's eyes bulged as he recognized the diners in front of him. Theo could practically see the Galleons flashing behind his eyes. "Right this way, Mr. Malfoy, Mr. Nott. If you and your lovely dates would just follow me, we have a nice booth set up for you in the back corner."

"A booth?" Astoria pouted. "Why not that open table right up by the window? That way everyone can see us Drakey-poo."

Draco suppressed a shudder at the much despised nickname. "Sitting at the back of the restaurant gives us more privacy. Doesn't that sound good?"

Theo had to give the man credit; he was smooth.

When they reached the booth, Daphne slid onto one bench. Draco guided Astoria to sit beside her sister.

Astoria whined, "I thought I'd get to sit next to Draco."

This time, Theo took the lead in doling out an explanation. "If you sit across from us, we get to spend all meal gazing at your lovely faces."

Daphne cooed, "Aren't you just the sweetest? I don't remember you being so thoughtful when we were at Hogwarts."

Theo shrugged. "We're the new and improved Theo and Draco." He slid down the bench and sat opposing Daphne with Draco beside him.

The four diners perused the menu for a few minutes. Once they had decided what they wanted, Theo summoned their House-Elf waiter with a snap of his fingers.

"I is Ulley. How can I be serving you this evening?" asked the friendly elf.

"We'd like to order a bottle of your finest red wine. I'd like the sea bass with spinach, please."

Draco chimed in, "the garlic and onion chicken and brussel sprouts for me."

Daphne ordered next. "I'd like the chef salad with no croutons, no ham, no eggs, no cheese, no tomato, no onion, no carrot, and dressing on the side, please."

"So you is wanting plain lettuce and cucumbers?" squeaked Ulley.

Daphne's nose turned up. "Ew gross, no cucumbers either. Thank you!"

The house elf shot Draco and Theo a confused look. Theo responded, "Whatever the lady would like." With a nod, the elf jotted down the order.

Astoria laughed and said, "You took the idea out of my head. I'll have the same thing! We're watching our figures."

Theo muttered under his breath. "If you want a salad, have a salad. If you want lettuce, order lettuce." Draco gave Theo's thigh a gentle squeeze to warn him to shut up. Even after the grumbling stopped, Draco's hand remained in place.

"So ladies, what have you been up to since we graduated?" Draco asked politely.

Astoria giggled. "I've been working with my mother for her party planning business. It's important for every pure-blood witch to learn how to throw a grand soiree before she gets married. Don't you think so, Draco?" Her eyelashes were fluttering so quickly it looked like her eyelids might fly away.

Ulley returned with the bottle of wine. Draco gulped down his entire glass before the elf finished pouring for the table. He gestured for a refill.

Theo took pity on his friend. "Of course, Astoria. And you Daphne? What have you accomplished?"

"Well, I started Healer Training. But it was really hard, you know? Like really, really hard! They tried to tell me that I needed to come in every morning at 8. Can you believe that? And they'd get mad when I showed up at noon! My mentor wouldn't even let me explain that I _had_ to come in late. Madam Mane's doesn't open until 10. Did they really expect me to be seen in public without having my hair done?" She shook the ridiculous thought away. "Anyway, it's good that I left. Did you know that Healers actually have to be around sick people? So gross!"

Theo fought hard to keep from rolling his eyes. He knew all about her experience at St. Mungo's. Blaise had been only too happy to provide her a shoulder to cry on after she was deservedly fired and dragged from the building by security when she threw a tantrum on the atrium floor. He had shared the tale with Draco and Theo over a few beers after he kicked her out of his flat the next morning.

"I'm sorry for the hardship you went through, Daphne. Perhaps you can move on to a more fitting career, now?"

Daphne laughed. "Oh, no. Daddy says that I don't have to try working again. It was too traumatic."

"So what do you do with all your time then?" asked Draco.

"I go shopping with Mummy and 'Stori. And I help Mummy out with her parties. I have a good eye for what looks good together. Take our outfits, for example." She gestured between herself and Theo. "We look _good_ together."

The innuendo was not lost on Theo, but he diverted by saying, "I'm wearing black. It looks good with everything."

Draco snorted into his wine. He raised his napkin in his left hand to wipe at his face.

"I didn't know you were left-handed. Me too!" exclaimed Astoria. "It's like fate!"

Theo knew that Draco was, in fact, right-handed. However, his right-hand was currently occupied drawing small designs on Theo's thigh.

"Perhaps it is," replied Draco.

Thankfully, the awkward conversation was temporarily shelved with the arrival of their meals. Draco and Theo dug in. Daphne and Astoria put on a good show of pushing the skimpy lettuce around their plates.

"Can I have a bite of your chicken, Draco?" asked Astoria when the last leaf of lettuce vanished.

"You can order something else, if you'd like," Draco offered.

She shook her head. "I don't _really_ want anything else. I just want to try a bite of your chicken. Feed it to me?" She closed her eyes and opened her mouth.

Draco quickly sliced off a bit of chicken and slid it onto her plate. "There you go."

Preemptively, Theo placed a corner of his sea bass onto Daphne's plate to avoid the same awkward situation. The girls frowned as they chewed on the shared food.

When Ulley returned to clear away the plates, Daphne insisted that they order desserts to share and a bottle of champagne to toast the romantic evening. Draco insisted on everyone using their own silverware.

Finally, the last scoop of crème brulee was consumed and the awkward double date came to an end. Draco and Theo escorted Daphne and Astoria from the restaurant. As they passed the photographer, Draco subtly slipped him a pouch of coins, confident that he had gotten a pleasing shot.

The young witches and wizards apparated back to the Greengrass' front door.

"Won't you come in for a nightcap?" asked Astoria as she pressed her body against Draco like a cat in heat. "I'd love to give you a tour. I can show you the gardens, the lounge, my room…" Her voice took on a husky edge.

"I'm sorry ladies," Theo apologized, "but Draco and I need to be going. We've got an earlier morning meeting. It wouldn't do to show up in front of our investors completely exhausted from too much fun the night before."

Daphne nodded. "You are both so devoted. We'll have to have you over after our next date."

Astoria tittered, "Until next time." She stood up on her toes and leaned into Draco for a kiss.

At the last minute, he turned his head away and her lips landed on his cheek. "I'm sorry. Garlic breath." He instead took her hand and pressed his lips to the back on her knuckles. Astoria swooned.

* * *

Once the girls were tucked away behind the front door, Theo breathed a sigh of relief. Draco rolled his eyes and apparated back to their flat.

"Thank Merlin that's over with!" Theo declared when he landed a moment later. "I was this close," he pinched his fingers together, "from cursing myself with excessive flatulence to get out of there."

"My nose and stomach thank you for restraining yourself." Draco walked over to the table and grabbed a green apple out of the fruit basket. "I need something sweet. Astoria ate all the crème brulee."

"If you need something sweet, get over here," Theo growled.

Draco smirked before walking over and embracing Theo. "I'm sorry we have to keep up this charade. Just another two months and my father can't disown me. I'll be twenty-five and have access to my full Malfoy and Black inheritance. We'll be free to be together then. No more dates with vapid pure-blood princesses to hide who we are." He started to lean into Theo.

"I don't think so," Theo teased. "What about your garlic breath?"

Draco chuckled. "Just shut up and let me kiss you now."

Theo gladly gave in. He could wait two more months to finally be with Draco in the way they both wanted. So what if they had to take the Greengrass girls out again? This was worth it.

The apple fell to the ground, forgotten.


End file.
